Boundaries - My First Lesson

I was holding my sweet little boy’s hand one day at circle time to say the goodbye song at the end of his preschool day. It was apparent she did not want to hold his hand. It broke my heart. Things like this kept happening. He was hugging kids or sitting too close to them. I started noticing a trajectory that I did not like. If he continued to do this to people people would not like him and it tore my mommy heart to pieces.  Intervention mommy! My job yet again is to teach my child the ways of life.

So feeling frustrated I talked to his preschool teachers not shocked to find out that yes this was happening during class too. So a solution needed to be found. I came across this book called Boundaries by Townsend.  This book would forever change my life!

My little vivacious preschooler was experiencing boundary problems. And guess who taught him this? Me! Like I mentioned before I grew up in a non-confrontational home where everything was happy go lucky. For years I struggled with this in my own marriage. When ever confrontation arose in our marriage I either felt anxious or extremely angry but never did I know how to handle it. I was like a little baby never taught how to deal with what is never escapable in life: confrontation.

The teacher in me grabbed some ropes and placed them around him in a circle to show him that this was his personal space. Some children (and adults) don’t like people in their personal space. Some people don’t mind. It’s also specific to the type of people, for example, classmates, family, friends, teachers, etc. We walked through all the scenarios. 

I also noticed that he was struggling with self-control and I kept finding myself saying “you need to control yourself.” Like a preschooler knew how to do that? So that led us to discussing that only he has a choice. Either he can stop or not. Only he can make the decision and being a bigger boy he now is responsible for that I can only remind him.

Townsend’s book was life changing for me. I now realize I need to take action for my own responsibilities. I can say no to people. I can feely talk about my emotions regarding what other people think.  I can tell me kids that they need to have quiet time and not feel guilty because I need quiet time. I can be honest with my husband if I don’t like something. And so much more. At first glance, boundaries seem rude or selfish but really they are there to help us stay focused on who we are and our purpose.

Having a LOT of Feelings

I never thought it would happen. I was yelling uncontrollably at my son. I love this little guy with all my heart there is no doubt. And there is no doubt he loves me with all his little heart. However, there was beginning inside of him AND me something different, something new and most importantly it was scaring me.

It would go something like this. “Isaiah, it is time to grab a book and we are going to lay down for some quiet time.” He plays around and around in la la land. I reinforce “Isaiah, you’re not listening to me. Stop and put that toy down and come grab a book with me.”

Every so often, typically over something insignificant like the above scenario, we would start bickering. Our emotions would go from 0 to 60 mph in just 4 seconds. Overwhelmed with emotions we would be yelling at eachother and it would escalate till it got physical and it would all happen so fast. There was nothing I could do and soon I was being hit and needing to protect myself, really straining myself not to hit back. Now I’m not saying that I handled this well. The stubbornness in me asking him to stop probably pushed him on.  One day I found myself in the doctor’s office just saying, “He is so angry and it escalates out of control so fast. I need help.”

The doctor kindly said, “he’s four right? Yes, this is the age of anger. They can sometimes just have so many feelings.” So my paradigm shifted. My little love bug was experiencing all these emotions but didn’t know what to do with them. It is my job to teach him to identify them and how to deal with them. She gave me a suggestion, “have him draw.” I immediately thought, what? My four year old can’t depict his feelings in a picture! Boy was I wrong.

A few days later another outburst occurred. Immediately I took him to the easel where I asked him to draw what he was feeling. I was astounded by what he produced. Although he had no words this little guy was definitely experiencing a lot of feelings. Well I too was experiencing a lot of feelings so I grabbed a pen and drew out my feelings. Together we discussed how we could turn each of our frusturated, angry, sad, etc. faces to happy ones.  I had an ahha moment about all that he was feeling and I could see him processing that I too was having my own emotions. We both learned to process them together and out of love, reconcile our differences. What a beautiful moment! I’m so grateful for this piece of advice.

After the fact, I started thinking.  Wow, I needed this as much as my dear son. I grew up in a non-confrontational family were everything was happy go lucky. I felt like a preschooler right alongside him learning how to process my own emotions.

A Dreamer Dreaming (Business Boutique OC 2017)

I’m currently on the plane flying home from an extraordinary trip. I flew to Orange County, CA to attend Dave Ramsey’s Smart Conference and Christy Wright’s Business Boutique. I’m still processing all the information but here are my main takeaways:

1. It's okay to dream. I need to start doing it now.

2. I can no longer let fear get in the way. If I never step out and take risks I will forever be where I am.

3. Dave gave a beautiful example of a very wealthy man being able to take his whole family on a cruise in the Mediterranean and then later buying bicycles as Christmas gifts for the entire organization in Jesus' name. How beautiful!

4. For personal finances- my dreams would be the following:

• Take my kids on a trip of where Jesus taught and lived on mission.
• Purchase a house for my college kid(s) to manage while going through college.
• Be able to take my entire family on trips around the world.
• Be able to give large in Jesus' name.

5. I do have an interest in running a small business.

6. My small business could either be dance or another avenue of interest I'm not entertaining.

7. Start with the why of your business not the what.

8. I need to look at things I'm already doing that I'm great at and enjoy.

• I enjoy organizing information, I enjoy critiquing, I enjoy organizing stuff, I enjoy being creative, I enjoy journaling, I enjoy learning, I enjoy creating, I enjoy streamlining information, I enjoy reading and researching books, I enjoy improvement, I enjoy music, I enjoy practicality, I enjoy beauty, I enjoy intentionality, I enjoy nature, I would love to empower, I love being a mom!

9. I want to spend the year being real with myself so I can really narrow down ideas.

10. Do I need to be patient or do I need to be bold?

Brainstorm

Next Action Items:

• ·      Open a checking account for current dance expenses and profit

If I continue with dance:

• ·      Do I continue teaching Lisa
• ·      Do I continue teaching in the u-district?
• ·      Do I take on a new client? Lindsay? Sophia?
• ·      Do I try to create 26 pieces of choregraphy?
• ·      Do I teach kids?
• ·      Do I teach at Cresecendo?
• ·      Do I do any extra training?
• ·      Do I research the Seattle community?
• ·      Do I explore other creative avenues?

If I explore other avenues:

• ·      Interior design of our living room or a room
• ·      Restoring old furniture
• ·      Building something?
• ·      Practicing creating graphics
• ·      Creating curriculum
• ·      Personal organization skills for women
• ·      Baking cakes
• ·      Training teachers
• ·      Writing a blog
• ·      Web design

Dearest Audrey

Dearest Audrey,

Oh have you grown! You are climbing on everything! You are quick to point out the airplanes in the sky and if nearby you will grab a toy one and make sound effects as you pretend to fly it through the sky. You love to dress up in Isaiah’s spiderman costume. You will bring me different shoes throughout the day (i.e. your princess swim shoes) and have me put them on you. You especially adore your purple puma sneakers. You will most likely be found pulling out toys from your dresser drawers, your baby’s crib, or DVDs and books off the bookcase. Now you can climb up and join us at the big kitchen table. Now we just have to keep you away from Isaiah’s legos. Every so often I will find you trying to twirl around yourself. In the morning when you first see Isaiah you squeal with happiness and sometimes even say his name. You love the water. When I take you swimming you like to jump in, no fear but all giggles. Often I find you have rounded up all the toothbrushes in the house.  For some reason yours is never good enough. If there is a ball in sight, you immediately go to dribble it! At Little Gym your favorite is walking along the balance beam and jumping off as well as hanging and doing circles on the bar.  You will go for the biggest piece of food. Your favorite book is Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, the Storybook Bible and the Dinosaur sound book. We find you roaring at the bookcase to communicate you would like the dino book. Your favorite place is the slide when visiting the park. You pucker your lips just like me. You discovered puddles this month!

I love the way you look at me when you nurse. I love how you snuggle right into me. I love how you are delighted in running, climbing, dribbling, swinging, and slidding. I love how you gently tap my back when you hug me.  I love how you are enthusiastic about being outside in the beautiful sunshine. I love watching you learn to communicate with new signs and words. I love how you laugh with your brother even when he is being too rough with you. I love how you hold my hand. You are a delightful little soul. You have such joy in even the simplest things. You are truly a blessing and a gift from above. I’m honored to be your mommy.

Dear Isaiah

Dear Isaiah,

You are fierce. You are strong. You are honorable. You are loyal. You are kind hearted. You are clever. You are coordinated. You are thoughtful. You are responsible. You are so loved.

Isaiah, you are one precious little boy and I’m honored to be your mommy. This year you grew so much in your independence. You have learned to complete all your morning tasks on time while delaying playing with your toys, have quiet time for yourself, build legos from the instructions all on your own, respect others physical boundaries, work as a team (soccer), work as team caring for our house (family), be a good host, amongst many other things. I’m so proud of you and who you’re becoming.  I love being your mommy –although hard at times- it is the greatest job.

Btw, you scored your first goal of the soccer indoor season recently. We celebrated with brownies and ice cream because you worked hard and earned that. I’m confident that will be the first of many more to come both in soccer and life. One thing you could get better at is not falling all the time while you play soccer ;)

Love, Mommy